


Undertow

by usaaqis



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, ummm the others and lance's family are mentioned lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 17:44:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11994807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usaaqis/pseuds/usaaqis
Summary: The ocean didn’t want to let him go, and he couldn’t hate it for that; he couldn’t let the ocean go, either.





	Undertow

Lance doesn’t love Keith. But he thinks he could, and that’s what he’s afraid of.

Lance almost drowned, once. Back when he was very, very young. Growing up on a house right on the beach pretty much guaranteed you learned how to swim at a young age, sure. But he’s always had the same cocky, competitive nature, pushing himself further, further, wanting to surpass everyone else, wanting to surpass himself. Sometimes, though, he has a tendency to push himself too hard. He’d swum too far, once. Farther than he was allowed to, with waves bigger than his little seven-year-old body could handle. He remembers the warm water, the salt stinging his eyes, the sun working with the surf to give him the most gorgeous lightshow he’d ever seen. He remembers feeling safe, at home, connected to the universe. In that moment, he’d felt completely loved, confident the sea would never hurt him. And then the panic set in. He couldn’t swim up. His body was frozen; Lance knew he was going to die. He’d never see his family again, never see Hunk again- 

His older brother had seen it, last minute, and come to his rescue right before he passed out. By all accounts, Lance should have been terrified of the ocean, but he couldn’t bring himself to resent it. The next day he was out there again, working on his swimming strength. The ocean didn’t want to let him go, and he couldn’t hate it for that; he couldn’t let the ocean go, either.

His first girlfriend, in grade eight, had made him feel similar, warm and safe, and she was beautiful, too, like the waves. He felt like he could tell her anything; she felt like she could tell everyone that Lance was gay. She was not the ocean. She wanted to let him go. And most of the others at school did too, after that.

Lance’s first boyfriend, in grade ten, seemed as welcoming as the beach sands after a day of being warmed in the sun. His embraces felt as loving and strong as the surf lapping at his feet. Lance’s first boyfriend, in grade ten, broke up with him for cheating, because you “couldn’t like boys AND girls. It just doesn’t work that way. You’ve gotta pick one; you just want as many people under your spell as possible.” He was not the ocean. He wanted to let him go.

Junior year, Lance learned in Biology, and then elective science class, Earth and Space, that the ocean was dying. It was deep, and dark, and unexplored, but it was a mystery that would become utterly un-explorable before long. He wasn’t smart, like Hunk, or good at figuring out little ways to help, like his mother; he felt trapped, the potential of losing the ocean like a void. How could he explore the ocean knowing his time in it was so limited, the days left for him to discover and enjoy its depths tick-tick-ticking away, the ocean drowning away in its own polluted seafoam? He had to explore, still; had to find a replacement so he wouldn’t feel cold and empty when his soul drained away with his first love’s untainted waters. Someplace else, deep and unexplored, beautiful and dangerous, capable of completely enveloping him; someplace different enough to never be mistaken for the aquatic space he loved- space. Space! God. Lance would go to space. 

Lance wanted freedom. Lance wanted to fly. Lance wanted the gaping cavern in his chest that came from not being good enough, from not being lovable, to be filled by sating his wanderlust.  
The only people Lance figured he could count on were his family, and Hunk, and maybe Pidge. Maybe. If Pidge would just let him in-

The Blue Lion’s love was the first thing Lance had felt that felt like the ocean since he’d left Cuba’s ocean for the Garrison. The Blue Lion’s love was the first all-encompassing sense of belonging he’d felt since leaving his family home. The Blue Lion’s love was the first that had whispered to him _‘I want you. Stay, stay. You’re mine. You will be by my side until the universe drags you away from me. I am yours.’_

Voltron was hard to form, especially at first. He and Hunk had a connection- it was kind of hard to avoid, spending your whole life growing up together next door to one another. But he hadn’t understood Pidge at all, apparently. And Shiro? How do you get over meeting your favorite celebrity? How do you get over your idol complex when you can’t see yourself on equal grounds with the person at all? Coran and Allura- they were aliens! Beautiful, highly advanced aliens! And Keith- god, Keith, a prodigy, a genius at the one thing Lance had always wanted to do: soar. 

But gradually, gradually, the team grew closer. Forming Voltron was his favorite thing to do. Even though it was almost always during high-stress, high-stakes times, forming Voltron made him feel whole. Being part of a team, having a purpose, helping a universe full of beings- that made him feel connected, directional. Being in Blue’s cockpit made him feel warm, loved.

But it did not fill the void in his heart. It made him feel loved, but not lovable. He was the weakest link; not smart, not strong, not a good leader, not a great pilot.  
Lance missed home. Lance missed his family.

Lance missed the ocean.

Keith was not like the ocean. Lance already knew Keith was not like the ocean, from day one. Keith was a sea, maybe, a sea of fire, a sea of lava, licking over Lance’s skin, burning, itching. Lance’ll admit it; he picked fights with Keith because Keith seemed to be like the upgraded version of him. Any trait, any skill Lance had ever wished he had: strength, beauty, grace, talent, determination, independence, versatility; you name it, Keith had it. And Lance didn’t. Never would.

Someone knocked.

“Lance?”

Knocked again.

“Lance, c’mon. You haven’t been out for a meal in, like, two days. Pidge is worried. Shiro’s worried. Allura and Coran are worried. Hunk is beyond concerned. I’m- God, Lance, I’m concerned. I miss you. We all miss you at the table. Please let me in. Let’s just- can we talk? Talk to me.”  
Lance opens the door, even though he knows it’s Keith.

Keith walks in. The door slides shut behind him. The few seconds of light from the outside are enough to blind Lance.  
Lance hasn’t eaten in at least two days, when he stopped letting Hunk in. He hasn’t showered in longer. He hasn’t left his room since the last battle.  
He’d realized, after everything, he’d never hated Keith. And more than that, he’d stopped being just jealous. Now he was jealous, and he was in love. In love with the boy who’d always be his better, the boy who’d never want him; the boy who would let him go the first chance that came. Keith would never be his ocean.

“Listen, Lance, I know you’ve got a lot of stuff back home to miss. A lot of people who miss you. I get that. I’m sorry. But listen- I don’t. All the people who would ever potentially miss me if something happened are right here. And that includes you. Please come back out. I don’t know what exactly is going on with you right now, but I’d like to.”

Lance feels tears roll down his cheeks, feels the last vestiges of home’s ocean come out his eyes.

“Keith,” he says, and looks up to see the boy himself looking at him, flushed. “The only thing that’s ever wanted to keep me is the sea. And by extension Blue, but- out here, there isn’t a sea. Up here, I’m the ocean, y’see? I’m the one who’s dragging everyone down and not letting go. What good am I?”

He feels arms wrap around his middle, which he’d never expect from Keith. He feels unbelievable heat engulf him.

“Everyone here wants you, Lance. Wants to keep you. Everyone here loves you, believes in you, thinks you have worth. And me- I love you, Lance. You have so much undiscovered depth. You’re beautiful.”

Lance gapes. Keith is not the ocean, he is. Keith is hot lava pouring, pouring into him. Lance finds something better than water, better than space. Lance finds solid, strong land, holding him up. The land will let him go, but only if he wants to.

Their mouths meet, and Lance drowns in him. Lance can’t find it in himself to be afraid.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been written since like January but I just remembered I had it and my best friend wanted me to post it so ummm I hope y'all thought it was a decent read thank you for clicking LOVE you :)


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